You Thought It’d Be Weird. It Would’ve Made Their Day.
Why we hold back compliments, and what happens when we don’t.
It takes three seconds to say, You crushed that presentation.
Even less to say, I love your boots.
But most of the time, we don’t.
Not because we’re cold or careless.
Because we didn’t want it to be weird.
Because we assumed it might land wrong.
Too awkward. Too much. But also not enough.
But according to the research?
We’re getting it exactly backwards.
That compliment you held back?
Chances are, it would’ve made their day—
And made you feel better too.
The Compliment Gap
In a series of clever studies, researchers asked people to give strangers a compliment.
Beforehand, the complimenters had to guess how it would land.
Then they asked the recipients how it actually felt.
What happened?
The results were striking.
Receivers felt much better than complimenters predicted.
Complimenters felt better too—but didn’t expect they would.
Complimenters overestimated how uncomfortable, annoyed, or “bothered” the recipient would be.
They didn’t just misjudge the impact beforehand.
They gave the compliment. Saw it land.
And still walked away thinking it hadn’t meant much.
Why We Get It Wrong
Turns out, two things get in the way:
Anxiety scrambles our social radar. Just thinking about approaching someone ramps up nerves. And when we’re nervous, we assume others must be too.
Self-doubt does the rest.. We worry we’ll fumble it. Say the wrong thing. Sound cheesy. Awkward. Like we’re trying too hard. And when we doubt our delivery, we downplay the impact.
But here's what the data shows:
Even an imperfect compliment lands better than you think.
And the person hearing it isn’t grading your delivery.
They’re just glad you saw them.
From Research to Real Life
I recently asked readers to share one small practice that’s made a real difference in their lives. If you haven’t already, feel free to drop yours too—I’d love to read it.
Jeremy from
wrote this:That’s the kind of compliment we almost never regret—or forget.
These moments do more than make someone smile.
They shape how we see ourselves.
And it doesn’t have to be with your kids (if you have them). It could be your partner. Your coworker. Your barista. That friend who keeps showing up, even when it’s hard.
Notice one real thing.
Say it out loud.
It might be the five seconds they remember all day.
Or all year.
But What If It Backfires?
Of course, this isn’t a green light to comment on someone’s body, or to disguise harassment as flattery. Compliments given in a romantic context without consent—especially about someone’s appearance—can absolutely cross a line.
But that’s not what most of us are holding back.
Most of us are just noticing something kind or specific or human—and swallowing it.
Their shoes.
The question they asked that no one else was brave enough to.
The idea they shared that shifted the whole conversation.
The moment they offered help before anyone had to ask.
Those aren’t just safe to say.
They’re often quietly longed for.
One recipient put it best:
“Thanks for making my day more human!”
Micropractice #10: Say It Anyway
Next time you think, Wow, I love their style,
or That line they said really stuck with me—
Don’t swallow it.
Say it.
You don’t need to be poetic.
You don’t need a perfect opening.
Just a line.
Just a moment.
Try this:
Spot something you genuinely appreciate.
Before you speak, take a breath—and tune into your intention.
Let it be kind and clear—not performative, not flirtatious.
Maybe to connect. Maybe just to offer something warm.
Whatever it is—let it come from a real place.
Keep it simple: “I really liked what you said earlier.” “That’s such a fun pattern on your coat.”
Say it gently. Warmly. Smile if you want. Then move on.
That’s it.
Notice:
How they light up.
How you feel after.
What softens in the air between you.
Linger there, just for a breath.
Let the warmth register.
Let it land.
It’s not about being smooth.
It’s about being sincere.
Your words might be the only ones that saw them today.
And even if they don’t show it—chances are, they felt it.
Even awkward kindness counts.
Sometimes, it counts even more.
If this stirred something in you, pass it along. Someone might be holding back the exact words you need to hear.
And hey—great taste in reading. Glad you made it this far.
(And yes—that’s a compliment on your attention span.)
With warmth, and a nudge to notice what’s already good in you,
Eli Susman, PhD
Founder, The Micro Memo
Micropractice.com
P.S.—If you’ve got one in you… I’ll be over here, not fishing. (Okay, maybe a little.)
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My micropractice is dropping likes and comments on Substack posts I appreciate. I may not be able to take a paid subscription to most, but I can still say, "I see you and appreciate your work. It had an impact on me."
I see you, Eli.
Great article! A friend of mine gave a simple compliment to a workshop instructor—and it led to a powerful connection. By the end of their chat, the instructor had introduced him to a whole network that helped move his job search forward. Just goes to show how far a genuine compliment can take you!